


are you still there? [just tell me]

by trashiestofthemall



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Choi San-centric, Emo, M/M, Night walks, One-Shot, bestfriends to lovers, no beta we die like men, practice room feels, san is afraid of rejection, theyre still idols, tteokbokki, written at 3AM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:34:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23986129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashiestofthemall/pseuds/trashiestofthemall
Summary: “woo? are you there?”“of course i am sannie. what kind of best friend would i be?”he hates that word. best friend. he longed to be more than that. even if for a day, for a minute, for a mere second.if only, he felt the same.[title from 3:00am by finding hope]
Relationships: Choi San & Jung Wooyoung, Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 78





	are you still there? [just tell me]

He slumps against the mirror-lined walls of the dance studio, the heavy beats from the speakers fading as the song ends, and his playlist automatically plays the next. A slow, soft song that never fails to calm him down after a long day of practice. The blond wipes the sweat dripping down his face with the edge of his tank top. He hadn’t bothered to change when he left the dorms that morning and forgot to bring along an extra set of clothes, since he recently took the ones left in the studio home for laundry.

San’s heavy breathing soon is the only thing that fills the silence in the room, the sound reverberating off the walls. Watery eyes that had been covered by his arms now faced the ceiling. His mind, a swirling tornado of emotions, his heart aching in his chest, the feeling not dulling any time soon.

San was stressed, to say the least. Promotions for their next comeback would start in a week’s time, and even though the day was approaching quickly, their manager let all of them have a day off. He recalls the ecstatic looks of the members right after their English class together. 

_“Thank you so much!” the 8 chorused, their voices filled with joy and relief._

_“Your 24 hours starts from now, have a good rest everyone,” as soon as the manager left the room, the members buzzed about their plans for the rare day-off they received._

_“Whatever it is, I’ll be in the studio as always-” “And I’ll be there to keep you company,” Seonghwa cut Hongjoong off, holding his hand with a small smile dancing on his lips. Hongjoong’s eyes sparkled, touched at the way his boyfriend had immediately volunteered to spend his precious free time together._

_“Just move out already, for the love of god,” Yeosang pinched the bridge of his nose, “Jongho is taking me to the gym to see my death once again.”_

_“Don’t make it so dramatic okay! All you do is run on the treadmill anyway,” Jongho ducked, already anticipating Yeosang's punch to the head. “What will Yungi be doing?”_

_“We’re planning to just stay home and game all day. I wanna improve my ranking and my team,” Mingi smiled, Yunho nodding along sleepily as he rested his head on the taller’s shoulders. Hongjoong smiled. “What about you guys?”_

_“Ah, I’m just planning to sleep in and read. San, do you want to head to a cafe together? I heard there’s a new one just a stop away from us,” Wooyoung tilted his head in San’s direction, glittering eyes meeting his. He hates how much a simple look can make him want to drop everything and give anything to him. No one knew how much self-control it took for him on a daily basis, with the exception of Father Hongjoong and Mother Seonghwa, to reply or interact with Wooyoung._

_“Sorry Woo, I was thinking of hitting the gym and then the dance studio again,” San mustered the best fake smile he could, rubbing the back of his head to make it seem like he felt bad. He completely missed how the sparkle in Wooyoung’s eyes died as fast as they came to life. He missed the disappointment Wooyoung exhibited, as the silver-haired regained his composure straight away and smiled._

_“It’s okay, Sannie! Maybe next time, and you better not become a gym rat like Choi Jongho,” Wooyoung stuck his tongue out playfully at the youngest, who was currently pouting right back at him._

San wished promotions were the answer to the troubles he’s been having. He wished that the fear of never receiving a win on music shows would be something he’d be most afraid of at the time. He wished that the only thing keeping him up at night was not being able to get a move of their new choreographies down.

But his parents had blessed him with good genes, and at times like this, he wished he was talentless so he could rely on excuses to spend more time away from Wooyoung.

It’s not his fault that he fell in love with his best friend, his _straight_ best friend nonetheless. He couldn’t control what he experienced right at the ripe age of 15. It didn’t help that the boy that stood in front of him was the most adorable one he had ever seen.

His parents were completely fine about being gay, but life had not prepared him for the angel standing in front of him.

The boy was only slightly shorter than San himself, hair an ashy brown colour (probably from a box dye, San thought). He wasn’t extremely well built, but he wasn’t lanky either. San could feel the enthusiasm radiating off this boy as he stood in front of San for the first time. But what stood out for San the most was his eyes. 

Eyes were the window to a person’s soul, he heard once in school. And there was definitely no qualms about that when it came to Jung Wooyoung. 

In the years he’s known Wooyoung, from the time they met as trainees, San could always tell how Wooyoung was feeling for the day through his eyes. That’s why he especially hated it when the makeup artists baked his lids in layer after layer of eyeshadow, lined them to define them, and made him wear those coloured contacts that made his eyes itch. To San, Wooyoung’s eyes were already perfect in their natural state: Nothing should be done to attempt to further enhance their beauty, aside from making Wooyoung happy.

When Wooyoung is happy, his eyes light up like fireworks. It’s as if he was a kid receiving the gift he wished so desperately for on Christmas morning, seeing the reflection of a lit birthday candle in his eyes, or simply the stars in the dark, navy night sky. It’s a view, a blessing, even, for San to see something so beautiful on a daily basis. He’s never been so thankful to wake up to an angel in the morning (even if he’s the devil by making the bunk beds shake in his sleep, that once San woke up thinking there was an earthquake).

It also doesn’t help that Wooyoung’s eyes are the prettiest San’s ever seen in his life. It doesn’t help that his light brown orbs can be read so easily. It doesn’t help that San has stuck around long enough for him to know the subtle signs that showed how Wooyoung was feeling. Wooyoung was transparent to him; He knew when he wanted to be showered with affection, to be left alone, to be comforted.

Unplugging his phone from the music jack, San sits, back against the cool mirror of the studio. He unlocks it to find 23 texts from Seonghwa and Hongjoong, asking where he was at such an hour, as well as 5 missed calls from Wooyoung. _They’re probably just worried since I haven’t come home since this morning._ But San didn’t feel like going home. Instead, he packs up and leaves the studio to take a shower before heading to the hole-in-the-wall tteokbokki place he and Wooyoung frequented when they were trainees, all the way till now.

On days like this, San pushed his physical limits to stay away from the boy he loved most. He knew, deep down, that Wooyoung would never like him back. San never once dared to confess, afraid at the prospect of losing his best friend, and he’d rather suffer than tell him.

There were of course, instances when Wooyoung almost caught him staring a little too long before turning away and coughing into his fists. San would quickly grab a bottle of water and gulp half of it down, face painted a bright red. The resident mother, Seonghwa, would grin a little too brightly and knowingly, earning a hard slap to the back by San himself. Sometimes, San regrets being so vulnerable to the two oldest and telling them his feelings when they cornered him that memorable night.

_“Guys! I’m back,” San yelled out as he shut and locked the door, kicking off his sneakers before storing them in the shoe cupboard. He had once accidentally left them outside, the way Seonghwa deprived him of his god-like cooking for a week as punishment scarred him forever. He didn’t want that to repeat._

_As he made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water, San got the shock of his life when he saw the two 98-liners, sipping their cups of hot chocolate at the tiny breakfast bar that they had._

_“Oh! What are you guys doing up so late?” San gave them his signature eye-smile before reaching over to snatch a sip from Seonghwa’s cup, pouting when the older quickly pulled it away._

_Hongjoong sighed. “Don’t try to pretend around us, San. You’ve been spending all your free time at the dance studio, at the gym, anywhere but the dorms. You coop yourself up in the recording studio at the end of the day, don’t even try to lie to me - I caught you once sleeping there when I was heading home one day.”_

_San’s eyes widened. “Hyung, I was just tired that time-”_

_“Then why don’t you come home? We stay up waiting for you to return, and only when we hear you get back is when we sleep. You’ve been worrying us so much, Sannie,” Seonghwa’s brown orbs were glowing with worry, San’s gaze downcast to the white tiles._

_“It’s Wooyoung, isn’t it?” Hongjoong’s comment made San snap his head up._

_“Of course not guys! I was just stressed and I’ve been wanting to make myself better for Atiny’s-”_

_“Why do you keep lying?” Seonghwa slammed his fist on the countertop, hot chocolate spilling everywhere. “Just admit it, San. We already know. Everyone knows, except the boy you’ve been pining over all this goddamn time!” San had not seen his hyung get this mad over anything before, and all he could do was whimper in fear._

_Hongjoong realised this and immediately went to the younger’s side, pulling him into a hug. “We understand you’re trying to get over him by ignoring him, but that way you’re not just bringing harm to your own health, but to the team dynamic too. San, our manager asked me yesterday if you were alright, even the manager knows something's wrong._

_We get that you’re afraid of telling Wooyoung how you feel. But take the chance, okay,” Hongjoong pulled away, wiping San’s tears away with a thumb, looking into his eyes, filled with understanding. San nodded, before feeling another warmth embracing him from behind. Before he knew it, his two hyungs wrapped him in the warmest hug in a long time, as he let out his feelings through broken sobs, muffled by the fabric of his shirt._

_“I love Wooyoung so much, guys. I’m terrified at the prospect of losing him forever, even as a friend. There’s no way he’ll ever love me back in the way I love him, because I know he’ll only ever love me as a friend.”_

_It took a mug of hot chocolate, two pairs of listening ears, and countless hugs before San went to bed with a lighter heart that night._

A person sliding into the seat in front of him snaps him out of his memories, and he looks up to lose his eyes in the one’s he adores so much.

“Wooyoung.” The lilac-haired grinned. “Hey, Sannie. Why aren’t you coming back yet? The others were so worried where you were, but I just knew you’d be here.”

“Our telepathy game is really strong, I guess. Are you hungry?” San asks, but before he knows it, Wooyoung snatches a few bites of tteokbokki from his bowl. “Of course you are, I’ll go order you a bowl,” and seeing Wooyoung’s puppy eyes, “And it’s on me.” 

Wooyoung threw himself over San’s frame. “I love you Sannie! You’re the best!” 

It’s at moments like this when San treasures his friendship the most. He’s so glad he never told Wooyoung his true feelings because he never wanted to lose the friendship he cherished with the shorter. In another world, in a parallel universe where Wooyoung liked him back, maybe, just maybe, he would tell the enigma how much he wished to stay by his side as a lover. As the person he would put first above himself. As the person he would never fail to keep happy and smile. 

But reality is a thing, and San is forced to accept it. So he peels the clingy boy off him and pays for another bowl of tteokbokki. It makes San’s poor heart swell, seeing Wooyoung scarf down the bowl. If anyone saw them from outside, they would think that the two were a couple, and San wishes it were true. Wooyoung, noticing San’s small smile, pauses and looks up.

“You’re staring. Is there something on my face or are you coming up with something to tease me with?” San’s eyes widen slightly, taken aback, _he’s caught me once again._ “I’m just glad you’re eating, aren’t you on a diet?” San pulls his signature cheshire grin. 

“Yah!” San’s arms are quick to become his shield from his impending doom, his giggles hidden by his source of protection from a raging Wooyoung.

They end up ducking out of the restaurant around 1 in the morning, the cool air hitting their faces. San, only clad in a thin long-sleeved shirt visibly shivers, the cold freezing his whole body. Wooyoung, who had already foresaw this, wrapped a thick jacket around the taller’s shoulders. 

“Idiot. How could you forget to bring your jacket,” Wooyoung chided, San scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. He gave him a small ‘thank you’ through the chattering of his teeth. As per usual, Wooyoung pulls the taller by the waist, linking their arms together.

San had never been one for skinship. In fact, he tended to avoid it as much as possible just like Jongho. But ever since the first time the lilac-haired linked their arms together, walking hand in hand with the shorter was as natural as breathing. Their steps always fell into sync, when the other was standing Wooyoung draped himself all over San; Wherever San was, Wooyoung would be there, loyally by his side.

_It was after a long day of practice. “Thank you for your hard work today!” The 8, tired yet happy figures greeted the choreographer at the end of one of their hardest sessions yet. By the time he left, all fell to the floor, basking in the single air conditioner unit that worked._

_They all knew what they signed up for when they joined the small company. They all knew that they had to build a reputation from the ground to make a name for themselves in the industry. Hongjoong, their reliable leader leapt to his feet, “Good work today guys, let’s all head back to the dorms and order some pizza to celebrate! Our countdown to debut day begins today!” The most energetic duo, Yunho and Mingi, did not hesitate to wrap their arms around their short leader, lifting him up and down before running out of the studio to save themselves from a beating from their oldest. Jongho and Yeosang, the seemingly most ‘normal’ people, grabbed their coats and bags from the rack nearby and took their leave too, leaving San to have a mini anxiety attack after realising he was left alone with his crush._

_Said crush was still sprawled over the floor, chest heaving. As much as San wanted to run away blushing like an anime school girl, he took the option to shift over to lay down next to the boy._

_“What a long day, huh. How about we go-” whatever San had planned to propose was caught in his throat the second he heard broken sniffles beside him. Alarmed, he turned to his left, only to see the boy of his dreams wiping away tears with his sweater paws._

_San was never one for skinship, all the members knew that from the way their hugs were rejected and arms around his shoulders were brushed off gently. So it was shocking to San even to pull Wooyoung’s fragile frame into his warm arms, as if he did it instinctively._

_Wooyoung, already sobbing, only cried harder into the thin T-shirt that hung from the tallers well built frame. San rubbed reassuring circles into his back, whispering gentle words of ‘everything is fine’ and ‘you’re alright’ into the boy’s ears._

_After a few minutes, San sensed that Wooyoung had stopped moving in his arms. He moved his head from where it rested on top of Wooyoung’s to take a good look at the younger._

_“Tell me what’s wrong, Wooyoung.”_

_“It’s just- I just- I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I mean, I left BigHit and even though we’ve been working so hard I’m just so afraid to fail again. I don’t want to fail. I saw a comment on our performance video saying that I was untalented, fat and a useless dancer, that’s why I’ve been holing myself up in the practice rooms. That’s why I’ve been on my protein shakes again.”_

_San’s heart dropped to his stomach. How could he have not noticed all the telltale signs that something was wrong? He was a terrible boy- no, a terrible best friend. What kind of best friend doesn’t take extra care of one’s mental health._

_San pulls Wooyoung back in, the shorter’s head resting against his chest. It felt nice, even though they were covered in sweat, and now tears._

_“I just want you to know that you aren’t untalented, Woo. You’re one of the most amazing dancers I’ve seen. You’re not fat, you have such a unique body shape that differs from so many that it’s so unique. I’m not the best at advising others, but if there’s one thing I have to say, its fuck that idiot,” Wooyoung’s eyes widened, he hadn’t heard San curse out in front of him so angrily before, “Clearly, they don’t know how amazing and passionate you are at what you do. Just ignore them Woo, they don’t deserve any of your attention and time.”_

_San smiled at Wooyoung, the kind of smile that he never usually showed. It was the gentle, kind smile, behind it so much meaning at love that one couldn’t express just in words._

_“I know just the place to cheer you up. Ever wondered about that tteokbokki place near here? I know they have discounts if we buy two sets together.”_

_San would trade the universe, and everything in between, just to see the light reappearing in Wooyoung’s eyes that night._

Something inside of San snapped, as he watched the way Wooyoung’s eyes sparkled brighter the streetlamps that lit their path back to the dorms. He wanted Wooyoung to be his. It’s been years, _years,_ and San’s patience and ability to hide his enormous crush was running thin. 

It was time.

“Woo? I don’t feel like going back just yet.” The shorter, who was leading the duo, stopped and turned around, greeting San with a bright smile. 

“Do you wanna go to the park?” Wooyoung tilted his head playfully, and San could already tell what he was going to say, “Last one to the park does the laundry!” And with that, the duo race to the park just beside the dorms.

Ironically, Wooyoung lost to the fitter of the two. “This is so unfair!”, he pouted. _Can he not? My heart is already so weak, but thank you for blessing my eyes,_ San whined internally.

“It’s okay, Woo, I'll do the laundry with Joong tomorrow,” San gave him his signature dimple smile. “I love you San!” Wooyoung jumped up and down ecstatically, and his very words reminded San of the reason for their detour that night.

“Hey, can we talk about something? It’s just been on my mind,” San carefully said. Wooyoung, noticing the sudden change in his friend’s tone nodded understandingly, pulling San to the nearest bench they found.

Here goes nothing. 

“Wooyoung, I love you.”

There was a brief pause before the boy replied. “I love you too-”

“Not in the way I do. Wooyoung, I’ve loved you, loved you more than just as a best friend, for years now. I’ve been keeping it to myself because I know you’ll never love me the same way. I already have so many things I’m grateful for in my life; ATEEZ, Atiny, and you. Life would be too good to be true if you ever liked me back.

I fell in love with your eyes, Woo. Your eyes encapsulate so much emotion, they hold the entire galaxy. I always get lost in them, so easily, that others notice. The way your brown orbs glitter as you dance, to the way they dim during the sad scenes of your favourite drama. Woo, I love all the ways your eyes can take me by surprise, because everyday I learn something new. 

Your passion is simply admirable. You carry yourself with so much confidence, yet, you can be so easily beaten down by a single negative comment. Remember that time, in the practice room? When we laid down on the floor, side by side, you crying into my shoulder even though we were both sweaty? That was the first time I willingly pulled someone into my arms to comfort them. I knew I had to protect you.

Of course, I know you’ll never like me back. Heck, I don’t even know why I’m confessing to you right now. But I’m gonna be honest with you tonight after all these years, Woo. I love you.” San exhaled sharply, the feeling of relief filling his now lightened chest. However, it was soon replaced with nervousness and fear when he sensed the lack of response from the boy he loved dearly.

Turning to his left, the eyes of his enigma meet his, filled with a new sort of emotion. Maybe not new, but the one San disliked seeing the most, or at least he thought. 

Tears. The salty liquid threatened to fall and stain the lilac’s pale cheeks.

“Woo? Are you there?”

Wooyoung’s eyes wavered, but they never broke contact with San’s. “Of course I am Sannie. What kind of best friend would i be?” the shorter smiled, eyes crinkling causing a teardrop to paint his face.

_Best friend,_ the very words gave San a nasty whiplash of what he had done. Knowing there was nothing else he could do, San sighed, gently wiping the lone drop away. “You don’t have to feel sad-”

“I DO!” Wooyoung blurted out, even surprising San, “I do have to feel sad. Especially when I felt the same way and caused you so much pain in the process!

Choi San, I fell in love with not just one part of you, but all of you. That day, on that very practice room floor, I fell in love with you. I love the way you giggle when you get excited over the smallest of things. I love the way you constantly encourage the team even when we’re all panting and wanting to go home. I love the way you care for us, when you nag at us for not resting or eating enough. I love you, Choi San, and I’m so thankful you feel-”

Wooyoung’s words were interrupted by a gentle press of lips against his. People said you felt fireworks during your first kiss, the feeling of soaring in the sky, but this one had none of that. The kiss was comfortable, lips slotting as if they were meant to be there in the first place. The duo didn’t mind the saltiness of their tears on their tongues. 

They had each other, and that was all they needed. 

San pulled away, a small smile, yet filled with so much meaning, was placed on his face. Wooyoung giggled, wiping a stray tear that had slid down the other’s nose.

“I love you even when you cry like this,” Wooyoung said, hand opting to cup San’s face instead of falling back to his side. 

“And I’ll love you even more, forever,” San smirked, his playfulness getting the better of him. San let out a small noise of annoyance at Wooyoung’s small slap to his arm, head buried in the crook of his neck. San feels like they could just be like this forever, in each other's arms, safe in their own little world.

He readjusts Wooyoung’s head to lay on his shoulder as he faces front now, staring up at the sky. “So… are we boyfriends now?” his star asked, voice as gentle as the night.

“If you want to be, sweetheart.”

Wooyoung gave him a quizzical look, amused grin dancing on his lips. “Who knew you were so good at sweet talk.”

“I’ve always been. So about that boyfriend position, if no one else is in line I’ll be glad to hold it. Let me just sign the contract,” San grinned cheekily, grabbing Wooyoung’s face and planting a chaste kiss on his lips. 

This left the shorter pouting. “No fair, I missed it when you were the one who was caught up in their feelings to do anything.”

“Too late babe, you’re stuck with me now,” he smiled when Wooyoung retaliated by sticking his tongue out at him.

San turned away and looked up at the sky once again. The night sky never appealed to San, it was always just the backdrop of another long day. 

For some reason, with Wooyoung by his side, the stars shimmered brighter than before, and it had never looked so beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! this is my second completed work, a whole one-shot because i was feeling really emotional after listening to this song :") i tried to play around here and there in this work but i obviously know it's not the best: a little fun fact is that i used to write a lot but fell out of it once school restarted :-( so here's me trying to get back into it!
> 
> if you wanna make friends with me, im @dolphchenuwu on twt so you can always drop me a message! love you <3


End file.
